Intoxication Month carries on in jolly-good fashion with a drink recipe for the ages. Pinkies up!
THE DRINK
We’re all all-too familiar with the primordial concoction known as the screwdriver (vodka, addendum orange juice). Thankfully, the best of us no longer have to brush our finely spun eight-gauge cashmere against the hoi polloi’s greasy elbows to enjoy a drink that’s bold and citrusy. The Screwgina, known as the “giner” in Yale (i.e. low-brow) circles, is subtly akin to the screwdriver, but substitutes Orangina for the national brand liquid orange product. The Screwgina is a lighter, classier and sincerely more formidable alternative.
The immaculately refreshing drink for warm, sunny weather has arrived. Today’s forecast: positively splendid!
THE INGREDIENTS
Vodka. Respectfully use a premium grade vodka. Ketel One, Grey Goose, and the like are optimal. And kindly check the label— be sure you have a plain vodka, nothing flavored s’il vous plait. One citrus flavor per drink is sufficient— this isn’t Bartles & James after all. Have some respect. And a palate.
Orangina. We’re vaguely aware that there are other sparkling citrus sodas out there. But for those of us who know the hourly worth of our leisure time, let’s not philander with the hired help. Be civilized and embrace the genuine article: Orangina. It’s delicious, embarrassingly inexpensive and quite frankly puts the “gina” in “Screwgina.” Accept no imitations. Orangina’s 8 oz. bottles are preciously adorable, but a breuvage of this calibre calls for Orangina’s one litre bottle.
Glass. Presentation is important, so set your libation sensation up for success with a clear rocks glass. A low, wide glass is appropriate for the potency of this drink and allows the carbonation to properly effervesce.
Stirrer. Typical stirring fare— toothpicks, plastic swords, coffee stirrers, spoons— have no magic to stir men’s blood, or our Screwginas. Let’s opt for a longer wooden stirrer, or the holiday-apt parapluie (ella, ella, ay). It’s like Mary Poppins with a boozy twist! (And none of that dreadful Dick Van Dyke. What fun!)
THE PROCESS
Chill. We can’t have tepid vodka, now can we? It simply must be chilled. On ice is best. In the fridge or ice box (unless already crowded with Heinie) is also suitable. Chill Orangina likewise. Chilled ingredients eliminate the need for ice, which melts and then waters down our buzz, now doesn’t it? Yes, it does.
Shake. Shake Orangina in its bottle to activate the carbonation. The energentic fizzing adds to the gustatory delight and speeds our vodka’s most precious export to the soul/bloodstream.
Combine. The recommended ratio of vodka to Orangina is 1:2 or 1:2 1/2. Your exact preference may depend on the weather, the tide or the market’s closing numbers.
Mix. Give a spirited, top-to-bottom stir after pouring, and then again before each sip. Orangina is light as a citrusy feather; vodka… less so. The weight differential tends to relegate vodka toward the bottom of the glass, making for an uneven mix. Use your stirrer to homogenize the solution and reactivate some of Orangina’s carbonation. Yes, there’s a bit of up-keep required here. But great drinks, like great women, require maintenance. And expensive vodka.
Enjoy. Sip proudly and joyously. Life is your Screwgina, so drink it in. And don’t forget— pinkies up!
THE AFTERMATH
Enjoying a cheery series of Screwginas in the Hamptons one Saturday night inexplicably made my business substantially larger for a single sexual episode come Sunday morning. Granted, it was a touch peculiar, but I’m not complaining (neither was the Mrs.). Just as the Orangina bottle says, “Shake it to wake it!”
Pimm’s: consolation for the hollow hearts of rogues and harlots,
Nate
-- by Nate WInter
