The Official Drunk Dial Score Card (Vol. 1)-- by Nate Winter

The drunk dial has been around for decades, in theory. But it took the cellular phone to transform the rather rare, fringe activity of calling someone while drunk into a truly quotidian occurrence. Thanks to the pervasive reach of mobile technology today, every drunk with a cellie thinks he’s God’s gift to comedy.

It goes without saying that all drunk dials are not created equal. They range in quality and attitude from knee-slapping hilarity to spouse-slapping mundanity to bottle-slapping depravity. Sometimes all in the same message.

The sheer volume of today's drunk dials and their inconsistent quality presents a real problem for those of us with limited time and patience to dedicate to drunk dial entertainment. The world needs better drunk dials.

After intent analysis of drunken voicemails from my personal collection as well as drunk dial aggregator DrunkDial.org, I have created The Official Drunk Dial Score Card. This score card allows drunk dial recipients to objectively evaluate drunk dials and give constructive feedback to drunk dialers. It identifies common traits that lead to bad drunk dials, while suggesting more pleasing alternatives.

Through consistent reinforcement of certain Drunk Dial characteristics, we can rid ourselves of bad drunk dials and spend our valuable time listening to those that are legitimately funny, truly touching, and uniquely perverted.

Now, without further ado,

The Official Drunk Dial Score Card (Vol. 1)

The Reference To Something Blatantly Offensive And Sexual
The Cleveland Steamer or Dirty Sanchez: -5 points.
The Brain/Hairy Tongue: -2 points.
The Shocker: 0 points.
Roast Beef Curtains: +2 points.
Hymen Spring Break: +3 points.
Labia Menorah: +5 points.

The Creation of a Bizarre, New Metaphor or Theory Related to Drinking
The Health Benefits of Guinness: -5 points. (Alleged benefits include low carbohydrates, high in iron, and "pregnant women in Ireland drink it.")

The Shampoo Effect: -2 points. (A drinking session closely following a prior heavy drinking session will result in unusually intense intoxication. Similar to the way a second shampoo session in one shower results in significantly more lather.)

The Buffalo Theory: 0 points. (Alcohol kills weakest brain cells first resulting in a smarter brain overall. Similar to natural predators attacking the weakest buffalo first, leaving a smaller, but stronger herd.)

State Dependent Learning: +5 points. (Things done or learned while drunk are more likely to be remembered while drunk. Often used as justification for intoxicated studying and test taking.)

The Unusual Accent
British or Australian: -5 points.
Southern United States: -2 points.
Pan Asian: 0 points.
French: +3 points (-.5 points for every “Hawh Hawh hawh”).
Pan Eastern European or Russian: +5 points.

The '80s Rock Song Reference
Sweet Child of Mine, Pour Some Sugar On Me, or Livin’ On a Prayer: -5 points.
Jesse's Girl: -2 points.
Anything by U2: 0 points.
Girls Girls Girls or Hot For Teacher: +2 points.

The Pop Culture Movie Reference
Napoleon Dynamite: -5 points.
Quote from anything with Will Farrell in it: -2 points.
Billy Madison, Tommy Boy: 0 points.
Caddy Shack, Animal House, Christmas Vacation: +2 points.
Quote from the Farrell/Header collaboration Blades of Glory: I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

The Pop Culture Internet Reference
Any Homestar Runner character: -5 points.
Chuck Norris: -1 point.
SNL Lazy Sunday (Chronicles of Narnia Rap): 0 points.
SubservientChicken.com: +2 points.
Modified G.I. Joe Public Service Announcement Voice Overs: +5 points.

The Full Rap Verse Recitation
50 Cent: -5 points.
Ice Ice Baby: -2 points.
Ludacris or Eminem, Flawed Execution: 0 points.
Ludacris or Eminem, Flawless Execution: +2 points.
Biggie: +3 points.
An original flow: +5 points.
Nelly: Remove Caller From Phone Book.

Caller Self-Identification
Caller identifies self within first 5 seconds: -5 points.
Caller identifies self repeatedly throughout: 0 points.
Caller identifies self within last 5 seconds: +2.
Caller identifies self in barely discernible gibberish: +5 points.

The Impromptu Proposal Of Something That Ordinarily Requires Meticulous Forethought And Planning
Trip to local strip club: -5 points.
Trip to Las Vegas: -3 points.
Getting the Band Back Together: 0 points.
Marriage: +3 points.
Stealing or defacing a public monument: +5 points.

The Reference to Food or Hunger
Mexican food: -5 points.
Pizza: -2 points.
Sub sandwich: 0 points
Gyros: +3 points.
Sushi: + 5 points.

Please be advised, this score card is by no means complete. Additional volumes of score card items will be added as they become available.

-- Nate Winter