PART I: THE PRELUDE
Step away from the microphone. The secret to a great karaoke night starts well before you set foot in the bar. Like any other type of performance, karaoke requires a bit of preparation.
Pick Your Songs
Start with music you like. You'll have more fun and greater confidence doing songs you already know and love. What you like is step one; what the crowd will like is step two. No matter how good your performance is, it's tough to win over a crowd with a song they hate or have never heard before. But the karaoke songs available are mostly popular stuff anyway, so your love of Bjork will have to take a back seat for the night. Hello, Avril Lavigne!
Practice In The Off-Season
Own a copy of all of the songs you want to sing. Make them into a karaoke play list. Keep it on your iPod and/or on CD in your car. Work on experimental stuff in the car or in the shower. Don't bring out unsure stuff at the bar unless you're very comfortable that it won't hurt your chances of getting up to do more songs.
You may even consider picking up a video karaoke system like the ones at LeadSinger.com for home. Key features include: great for parties, affordable, rates your singing, pisses of your neighbors.
Know Your Money Song
Like the money shot in porno, your money song is your absolutely most orgasmic, climax-tastic, kick-ass song. For me it's "Plush" by Stone Temple Pilots. It's my old stand-by, my ace in the hole, and the deus ex machina when my confidence needs an little boost. Yeah, my friends are sick of hearing it, but it never ceases to attract applause and high-fives from strangers. Test out some tracks, find your money song, and never leave home without it.
Know Your Vocal Range
Most guys should not attempt to sing Celine Dion (or even Freddy Mercury, for that matter) because it will sound like crap. Stuff like that is simply too high for the normal male vocal register. This is where practice comes into play. Test your voice with a song once in the car or the shower and you'll know if you can hit the notes. Once you've found some songs that fit your ability, look at more songs by those same artists. Generally, if you can sing one song by Boston, you can sing them all... and you have no testicles (in which case don't forget about Styx and The Darkness!).
Binder Beware
Every binder of available karaoke songs is different. I've seen karaoke books that let you sing an entire Slipknot album and books without classic favorites like "Faith" by George Michael. This is why your repertoire has to be deep. Be flexible and find something in your list.
Know Your Songs (...duh)
Know the songs you can sing. It sounds stupid, but it's remarkably easy to forget the name and artist of almost all of them when you're actually trying to pick one. Jamming to the karaoke playlist on your iPod is all fun and games, but when you get to the bar and can't remember more than a couple songs-- you're in trouble. Consider making a miniature print-out of your list to keep in your pocket or wallet. Laminate it for lasting use. If you see an attractive person with a laminated karaoke list, consider marrying them immediately or finish washing your hands and leave the bathroom.
Bring The Drama
Choose songs that have drama and emotion. You might do a dead-on rendition of Marcy Playground's 'Sex and Candy,' but the song is so quiet, slow, and monotone that it's basically musical wallpaper. Pick songs that will engage and entertain the crowd. Plus, the line, "I smell sex and candy" is nothing compared to "I'm into having sex; I ain't into makin' love" anyway.
PART II: THE ARRIVAL
(The following commandments about karaoke bars apply to karaoke establishments with a single system for the entire bar. Those with separate rooms for small groups have far fewer rules.)Karaoke bars, like any social scene, function with certain understandings of etiquette, decorum, and idiocy. Any place will let you in the door on karaoke night; that's easy. What's tricky is actually getting to sing.
Karaoke Bar Basics
For those with zero karaoke bar experience, here's what you need to know to not look like a disoriented idiot:
- The lists of available songs are kept in binders organized either by song or by artist. If you don't see any song binders, ask the karaoke host.
- When you've picked a song, write the title, its karaoke code, and your name on a slip of paper. (Usually slips of paper and pens are in the binder's inside cover.)
- Hand the slip of paper to the karaoke host (the person who plays the songs for people).
- When it's your time to shine, the host will call you up by name over the mic. So pay attention.
Know The Business; Be The Business
Here's the karaoke night business model in a nut shell: the bar pays money to a karaoke company, who provides a host for karaoke night. The karaoke host's job is to bring in the gear (speakers, mics, mic stands, song discs, TVs, etc.) and get people singing. Karaoke night has to cover its expenses and bring in cash for the bar, otherwise the karaoke host loses his/her gig. Bars that have karaoke every night of the week probably own all the equipment themselves and hosts work directly for the bar. In either case, if you're not spending dough, you're working against the system-- not good. So appeal to both sides: sing the songs and drink the drinks. Then everybody’s happy and you’ll live to sing another day.
Roll Deep
You don't have to be a one-person party machine. (That's what Wii Sports and masturbating are for.) So bring an entourage and make them cheer. More people-->more singers-->more drinkers-->more money spent at the bar-->happy bartender-->employed karaoke host-->more songs for you and your crew. Reagan's trickle down theory finally found a home.
Know Your Rights
As a karaoke participant, you are considered drunk and awful until proven otherwise. Karaoke has a reputation as a sport for jackasses, but the only ones who find wasted people on the mic entertaining are their friends. Everyone else is annoyed, including the karaoke host. Do your part to make an entertaining experience for everyone and keep your own drunk friends at bay.
Sing Early
Karaoke hosts sometimes have a tough time getting the ball rolling on karaoke night. Everyone wants to hit their money song when the crowd is drunk and plentiful. But don't wait for that moment. Arrive close to when karaoke begins. Not everyone has arrived yet, the seats are empty, many people are still sober-- not your ideal circumstance. But if you've got the balls to put yourself out there early and can get the crowd psyched up, the host will be thankful and more likely to bring you up again for your next requests. Arriving early also prevents you from requesting a song that was done by someone else before you showed up.
Start With Your Money Song
If a crowd and karaoke host are seeing and hearing you for the first time, bring out your money song first. If you don't wow people the first time, the karaoke host might ignore you for the rest of the night with no shot at redemption.
Stroke The Host
Karaoke hosts are frequently called on to sing songs that will get the party started when things are slow. They love to sing, that's why they're karaoke hosts. But when the mic is busy, they can't justify making everyone else wait so they can impress the hot blondes in the corner with "Let's Get It On." So try this: pick a song that needs a second singing part your host can fill. Be the excuse for the host to work his pipes and you're golden. Also, if your host accepts tips, slipping in a couple bucks with your song request is a nice way to break the ice.
Stage Presence
Karaoke is an audio and a visual performance art. We've all been to a concert where the band sounds good, but looks as exciting as a meat locker on-stage. That's bad entertainment. Karaoke is no different. Stage presence can seem daunting, but don't fear. Since you're already singing someone else's song, you might as well copy their moves, too. Hit up YouTube and find some videos or live concert footage of some of the songs you sing. If you're singing Billy Idol, throw in that signature snarl. Guns n Roses? Axl's side-to-side head weave behind the mic stand. Creed? A mirror and a liquor bottle to throw at naysayers. And so on and so forth.
This commandment relates back to choosing songs that have drama and emotion. Dramatic songs with big climaxes command big moves-- hip thrusts, fist pumps, pointing the mic at the crowd. Everyone enjoys a karaoke performer who gets into a song and does it well. So set yourself up for success with good songs and the right moves. Do a lip snarl to "Sex and Candy" and people will think your mic got a dirty sanchez.
A Cheer For A Cheer
Cheer and be cheered for. Your likelihood of getting on stage again relies on the crowd's reaction to your song. Clap, whistle, and make train noises for others. If someone is really outstanding, offer them a post-performance high five or a quick compliment. They will notice and cheer you on in return. Plus, all your excitement helps generate a rowdier, more participatory atmosphere-- exactly what you want when you hit ‘em with your best shot.
To really ingratiate yourself, give quick shout-outs to previous performers on the mic immediately before or after your song. The most important thing is to be genuine. If someone is awful, give a few courtesy claps, but don’t go crazy. You’re trying to build cred here, don’t blow it on sloppy ass-kissing.
PART III: THE AFTERMATH
If you learned anything, write it down before your drunk ass forgets it. The same goes for interesting characters or karaoke regulars you may have met-- remembering their names might be important next time. All that aside, enjoy a(nother) cold one as your reward for a job well sung.
-- Nate Winter
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