Greetings, America.
It won't be long now until the pundits, fundits and screaming heads of television have their immaculately ironed Brooks Brothers boxers in a bunch over the commercialization of Christmas. They'll decry our consumer culture's emphasis on gifts, blaming the godless, hyper-liberal, left-wing media that has driven us to this point. And that's one way to go, I guess.
Personally, I blame the Magi. Even before the advent of Christmas, these gold-knuckled giftsters and would-be present presenters began their journey to subvert the universe's holiest day into the wealth-swaddled mega corp known as Christmas, Inc. (Not to be confused with Disney's ill-fated attempt at child trafficking, Kids Incorporated.)
But Christmas is a decoy. So let's wisen up and get our priorities straight. Historically, Halloween predates Christmas by approximately two months. So first things first.
You've no doubt noticed that Halloween Fever (a.k.a. H1F1) has descended upon our beloved nation, and our descent into pre-December indecency and moral decimation is all but decided.
Everywhere you look it's crazy costumes, haunted houses, devilish desserts, dastardly décor, 17-hour all-you-can-binge drink tickets and corn mazes to tickle our homophone-loving humeri. And nowhere amidst this carnival of commercialism do you hear about the very traditional foundations of this hallowed holiday-- the institution of family and type 2 diabetes.
What happened to the good old days when Halloween was about going to an All Saints Day midnight mass and having the fear of God Bible-beaten into you? Or trick-or-treating to a few neighborhood homes to collect a moderate, tasteful amount of candy to snack on measuredly and responsibly until Christmas? And then visiting the Hinsdale Hospital emergency room to have all 26 pieces meticulously x-rayed for razor blades, rohypnol and NutraSweet?
The Nate Winter of 1985 would scarcely recognize Halloween 2009. In fact, my most assured reactions would be bed wetting and shame, my reactions to most things at that age. This purely subjective and unprovable speculation is as sure a sign as any that today's Halloween has lost sight of its past (perhaps due to an ill-fitting mask). And the only way to restore the sanctity of Halloween and strike fear in the hearts of the offending corporate villainy is with swift, rash, unchecked radicalism. Fear not, I'm working on a plan for that as we speak.
-- Nate Winter
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